Pre Marriage Counseling » counseling for marriage

Can Couples Counseling Help If One Partner Is Suffering From Anxiety or Depression?

Joseph LeFevre — Tue, 29 Mar 2011 16:41:13 +0000

It should come as no surprise that life can be very difficult for any individual suffering from severe or recurring anxiety or depression. But how does one’s anxiety or depression affect their relationship, and can couples counseling help?

Everyone feels anxious or depressed from time-to-time, and common every-day occurrences, such as meeting tight deadlines, first dates, being turned down for a job, or just watching the evening news can cause mild feelings of depression or anxiety.

However, these types of mild anxiety or depression aren’t bad. In fact, they can be helpful and evolutionary advantageous as these types of depression and anxiety tend to make us more focused and alert when faced with challenging or threatening situations or more empathic to ourselves and others when feeling pain.

Unfortunately, severe anxiety and depression affect countless individuals each year and they often go hand-in-hand. And, unlike the brief anxiety and depression that can be caused by everyday situations, those who suffer from severe and recurring anxiety or depressive disorders experience emotional pain and distress over long periods of time that disrupt their lives, their abilities to function, and their relationships.

It’s not uncommon for a couple to seek counseling when severe depression or anxiety is wreaking havoc on one of the partners and, by extension, the relationship itself. However, it is relatively rare for couples to attend therapy specifically for this reason.

Most couples usually begin counseling to improve their communication and intimacy, work through feelings of hurt or resentment caused by infidelity, develop better parenting skills, or resolve any number of other issues that may be negatively impacting their relationship.

If one of the partners is depressed or highly anxious, it usually becomes apparent within the first few session of couples therapy. Ideally, the partner who’s struggling with anxiety or depression will be willing to take a look at these issues and how they are affecting the relationship — and they almost always are.

Unfortunately, many people will try to deny or minimize any role their anxiety or depression is playing in the difficulties the couple is experiencing. After all, so much of the individual’s self-conception can involve the anxiety or depression they’ve experienced for so long, it can be extremely difficult for them to see it and how it’s affecting their relationship. This doesn’t make it any easier for the other partner, who may feel stuck, worried, unacknowledged, or hopeless about the possibility of saving their relationship and recreating the connection they once shared with their partner.

While the best case scenario may be one in which both partners acknowledge the anxiety or depression, as well as its effects on their relationship, and work together to resolve the issue in a supportive environment, the couples therapist will likely need to take some time to educate the couple and explore the options available for addressing and resolving the individual’s anxiety or depression. These options can include:

Referring the individual suffering from anxiety or depression to another therapist for individual counseling,

Having the couples therapist work with the individual alone for a number of sessions before bringing them back to couples therapy, or even

Referring the individual to a psychiatrist if prescription medications seem warranted.

None of these options is to be taken lightly, and they should all be discussed in detail with your therapist prior to deciding on the best course of action.

If you or your partner is experiencing severe or recurring anxiety or depression that is impairing your relationship, you owe it to yourself to seek professional help.

If you’re already in couples therapy, your couples counselor or therapist can help you determine the severity of the anxiety or depression you’re dealing with, as well as provide a safe and confidential environment to discuss how these issues are affecting your relationship and the best treatment options available.

That having been said, if one partner is suffering from severe or recurring anxiety or depression, the individual will likely need specific anxiety or depression counseling outside the context of the couples work you came to therapy for in the first place.

Individual anxiety or depression counseling or therapy — whether or not it is used in conjunction with medications — is usually necessary in order to help you or your partner identify the thought patterns that cause anxiety or depression, learn and practice relaxation techniques, generate more positive ways of thinking about life, restore balance, regain control, and move forward in life and in your relationship with optimism and confidence so your relationship can once again flourish.

To learn more about psychotherapy, visit Pamela Levy’s website on parent counseling in Burlingame.

What Is Relationship Counseling and Is It Effective?

Joseph LeFevre — Sun, 27 Mar 2011 18:41:06 +0000

Relationship counseling — regardless of whether it’s called marriage counseling, couples counseling, or couples therapy — focuses on improving the relationship between two individuals.

Effective communication is a vital component of successful relationships, whether those relationship are professional or personal. Hence, it should come as little surprise that relationship counseling, in all its forms, focuses on helping couples communicate more effectively.

Because of relationship counseling’s focus on improving a relationship, it is often seen as being different from individual psychotherapy, which typically focuses on helping one person overcome specific emotional or psychological issues.

However, this difference is largely illusory, as emotional and psychological issues commonly involve an individual’s emotions, thought processes, and behaviors, as well as changes in their interpersonal relationships.

While couples therapy focuses on current relationship problems, these difficulties usually involve each partner’s emotional issues as well as the relationship conflicts that result. For example, if you or your partner is having difficulty managing anger, you’ll likely experience a continuous stream of arguments. Likewise, if you and your partner are constantly arguing, this will likely lead to anxiety, stress, or depression in other areas of your lives.

In couples counseling, a professional couples therapist will help both you and your partner identify the sources of conflict in your relationship. Once the underlying causes of relationship conflict have been determined, your therapist will help you determine the changes you and your partner can make as individuals, as well as what changes can be made in the ways you communicate and interact with one another, so that both of your emotional needs and desires are understood and met.

One of the biggest challenges couples face is the inability to stop blaming each other for the relationship’s difficulties. However, doing just this is critical if partners are going to learn to work together.

Couples counseling can help couples avoid the need to compete with one another, share responsibilities, and identify common objectives and goals that both partners can work towards together.

Ultimately, relationship counseling will allow you and your partner the opportunity to talk to each other, and more importantly, listen. This will help you explore your relationship, better understand the difficulties you face, take personal responsibility for your thoughts, feelings, and actions, understand each other’s needs and desires, and work together to create positive, lasting change.

Is couples counseling effective?

Couples therapy can help people in an intimate relationship, regardless of whether they’re heterosexual or homosexual, married or not.

According to the AAMFT, research has repeatedly supported the effectiveness of couples therapy. For example, in an article published by the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, clients of marriage and family therapists from 15 states reported their experiences with couples counseling. The findings indicate that marriage and family therapists can effectively treat a variety of couples issues in a relatively short period of time and that client results and satisfaction levels are quite high.

Whether you’re looking to resolve a current conflict, better understand one another and strengthen your relationship, or address potential problems before they get out of control, couples counseling can help.

When should you seek couples counseling?

Unfortunately, couples counseling is often the last resort for partners that have been experiencing relationship problems. While it’s almost never too late for a couple to experience some benefits from couples therapy, the sooner a couple seeks professional help the more effective that help usually is and the better chance the relationship has of success.

Ultimately, if you and your partner are serious about creating the best relationship possible — whether you’re just starting out, considering getting married, or looking to reunite after being apart for some time — it’s never too early or too late for relationship counseling to help you explore your relationship, uncover and overcome destructive behavior patterns, learn more effective communication skills, build trust and intimacy, and rediscover the joy in your relationship.

To learn more about couples therapy, visit Joseph LeFevre’s website on group counseling in Campbell.

categories: relationship counseling,couples counseling,marriage counseling,counseling,therapy,psychotherapy,mental health,relationships,marriage,psychology,health

Relationship: Dance of Intimacy

Joseph LeFevre — Sun, 27 Mar 2011 18:40:09 +0000

The relationship duet is a dance of intimacy all couples do. One partner moves in, the other backs-up. Partners reverse roles as well, but always maintain a certain space between them. The unspoken agreement is the Pursuer chases the Distancer forever, but never catches-up, and the Distancer keeps running, but never gets away. They negotiate the emotional space between them. We all have needs for both autonomy and intimacy — independence and dependency, yet we simultaneously all fear both being abandoned (acted by the Pursuer), and being too close (acted by the Distancer). Thus, we have the dilemma of intimacy: How can we be close enough to feel secure and safe, without being threatened by too much closeness? The less room there is to navigate this distance, the more difficult the relationship. The higher is a person’s self-esteem, the more flexible and comfortable s/he is with greater distance and greater closeness. There is less anxiety, and hence less demand on the relationship to accommodate a narrow comfort zone.

ORIGINS: Current research suggests that intimacy problems originate in the early relationship between the mother and infant. Babies and toddlers are dependent on the mother’s empathy and regard for their needs and emotions in order to sense their “selves,” to feel whole. To an infant or toddler, emotional or physical abandonment threatens its existence and emerging ego, because of its dependency on the mother for validation and development of wholeness. Later, as an adult, being alone or separations in intimate relationships are experienced as painful reminders of the earlier loss.

If the mother is depressed, intrusive, or lacks wholeness and self-esteem, there are no boundaries between her and her child. Rather than responding to her child, she projects, and sees her child as an extension of herself, an object to meet her own needs. She can’t value her child as a separate “self.” The child’s boundaries are violated, and its autonomy, feelings, thoughts, and/or body, are disrespected. Instead of developing a healthy sense of self, the child discovers that love and approval come with meeting the mother’s needs, and tunes into the mother’s responses and expectations. The child learns to please, perform (or rebel), but in either case, gradually tunes out its own thoughts, needs, and/or feelings. Later, intimacy may threaten the adult’s sense of autonomy or identity, or he or she may feel invaded, smothered, controlled, shamed, and/or rejected — emotionally annihilated. A person may feel both abandoned if his or her feelings and needs are not responded to, and at the same time, engulfed by the needs of his or her partner. In relationships where partners lack self-esteem, sustained intimacy isn’t possible, because the fears of nonexistence and dissolution are so strong, and because there are not two separate, whole people coming together.

COPING STRATEGIES: Our defenses are the way as children we learned to behave in order to feel safe, without risking this abandonment or annihilation. As adults these behaviors create miscommunication. For instance, if you repress your anger to ensure closeness, you stand a good chance of alienating your partner, unaware that you may be expressing your anger indirectly. If you ignore your partner in order to create distance, you inadvertently devalue him or her, creating another problem.

Change and growth come in discovering your coping strategies, and learning new responses and behaviors.

Ask yourself: Am I aware when I need space and intimacy? How do I create space in my relationships? How do I protect my autonomy?

Do you criticize, blame, withdraw, or use substances to create space, be left alone, or lessen intense feelings. Or do you avoid closeness or openness by joking around, lying, showing off, giving advice, or by talking about others or impersonal subjects?

Do you get overly involved with people outside your partnership (e.g., children, friends, affairs), or activities (e.g., the internet, work, sports, gambling, shopping)? These activities dilute the intimacy in the relationship.

On the other hand, ask: How do I create closeness? How do I ensure that I will be loved and not abandoned? Do you try to create closeness by giving up your autonomy, hobbies, friends or interests, by never disagreeing, by being seductive, or by caretaking and pleasing others?

When these behaviors are operating without awareness, you are not coming from a place of choice. When this happens you cannot communicate effectively, nor take into consideration your needs and those of your partner. Instead, the relationship is based on unconscious manipulation of one another to meet your needs. This triggers your partner’s defensive reactions.

DISOWNED SELVES: Relationships can serve as mirrors for unacknowledged or “disowned” parts of ourselves. Often people attract their opposite into their lives to make them whole.

The Pursuer is unconscious that s/he is also afraid of closeness, but relies on the Distancer to achieve enough space for the Pursuer’s needs for autonomy and independence. Similarly, the Distancer is afraid of abandonment, but cannot experience the wish for emotional closeness as his or her own. S/he would feel too vulnerable, so s/he needs a Pursuer to satisfy her or his intimacy needs.

The Distancer says of the Pursuer: “She (or He) is too demanding, too dependent, too emotional, or too needy.” And wonders, “Can I love? Am I selfish? What I give seems never enough.”

The Pursuer says about the Distancer: “He (or She) is selfish, inconsiderate, inflexible, emotionally withdrawn, has to have things his way.” And wonders, “Is there something wrong with me? Aren’t I lovable (pretty, thin, successful, smart) enough?”

They each blame one another and themselves. The Distancer feels guilty for not meeting the other’s needs, and the Pursuer feels angry for not getting his or her own needs met. In reality, the Distancer judges the part of him or herself that is needy, dependent, and vulnerable, and the Pursuer judges the part of him or herself that is selfish and independent, but each sees the part they don’t accept in themselves projected onto the other. Both need to embrace the dependent and independent, feminine and masculine, parts of themselves.

CHANGE: The key to breaking this polarization is by becoming conscious of our needs and feelings, and risking what we fear most. It requires awareness of our coping behaviors and resisting the impulse to withdraw or pursue. It takes tremendous courage not to run when we feel too close, and not to pursue when we feel abandoned, but instead, learn to acknowledge and tolerate the emotions that arise. This may trigger very young feelings of shame, terror, grief, emptiness, despair, and rage. With the help of a therapist, these feelings can be separated from the present circumstance, in which as adults our survival is no longer at stake. As the feelings are worked through, a less reactive, stronger sense of self develops, one that is not easily threatened or overwhelmed.

Partners can learn from each other to embrace their disowned needs. The Pursuer can emulate the Distancer’s ability to set limits, to take care of his/her own needs, to prioritize, to be less personally involved. The Distancer can learn from the Pursuer’s flexibility, ability to reach out and ask, to feel others and to blend boundaries.

Each person must take responsibility for him or herself, rather than relying on their partner to take care of his or her needs for closeness or distance. The Pursuer must risk saying “No,” and tolerate the anxiety of separation, saying, “I can’t help you — I need to be alone.” The Distancer must risk saying, “I miss you, I need you.” In the movie, “The Doctor,” William Hurt plays a busy, successful doctor, whose wife feels neglected and abandoned. It’s only when Hurt gets brain cancer that he finally acknowledges and risks telling his wife that he needs her.

Each must learn to ask for togetherness and space directly, without feeling guilty, or controlling or blaming each other. When each is able to say “Yes” and say “No,” without the fear of being overwhelmed by intimacy or abandoned by separation, they won’t trigger each other’s defensive reaction. When they are conscious of their individual needs, they can acknowledge their partner’s needs with respect. They can empathetically hear each other, and wait to have their need satisfied: “I understand and hear your need and its importance to you, but this is also important to me — can we find a way to compromise?” As couples do this, they will have more authentic intimacy, instead of being locked into an unconscious duet of approach-avoidance.

Relationship can be an exciting path to the unknown. But it requires courage — courage to open yourself up and be vulnerable. The rewards are worth it, because it is a path of self-discovery and ultimately the divine as we open ourselves to one another. In the process we can heal our wounds, become free of our past conditioning, our defenses, and become truly live in the present.

Darlene Lancer is a marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles. For information on marriage counseling and a FREE Report on Transforming Self-Criticism into Self-Esteem, visit http://www.darlenelancer.com.

categories: counseling,therapy,psychotherapy,intimacy,mental health,relationships,marriage,psychology,health

The Benefits of Marriage Counseling and Couples Therapy

Joseph LeFevre — Sun, 27 Mar 2011 18:29:17 +0000

Have you been considering marriage counseling or couples therapy because you’re in a marriage or relationship that either feels dead or, at the other end of the spectrum, is just about anger?

Few things are more emotionally painful than sharing your life with someone and not being able to connect with that person in a positive way. If it seems like when you try to talk to him or her it doesn’t go the way you had hoped, after awhile, you might stop trying.

But that doesn’t mean that the desire to connect with that person has stopped. That desire is the good news. That desire indicates there’s hope — hope and the possibility that there’s a chance that the embers of what this relationship once was can be awakened, and brought roaring back to life.

Lest that sound like a romance novel, let me add that bringing that relationship to life again takes work. Movies and romance novels tend to gloss over that part.

Can couples and marriage therapy help you?

Research has shown time after time that licensed mental health professionals, such as marriage and family therapists, psychologists, and clinical social workers, are capable of helping couples effectively address a wide variety of issues in a relatively short period of time and that client results and satisfaction levels are quite high.

What you should look to achieve in couples counseling depends to a large degree on your reasons for seeking therapy in the first place, as well as how motivated you are to create change and see your relationship succeed.

Some couples seek out therapy in order to put an end to seemingly endless arguments. Others may be looking to rebuild trust and intimacy in the face of infidelity. Among the many issues couples counseling can help resolve effectively, couples therapy can help you and your partner:

Develop ways to talk about sensitive subjects such as jealousy, money, and sex, so you both feel heard and understood

Understand and resolve repetitive behavior patterns that are causing conflict

Better understand each other’s needs and desires

Manage, stress, anger, and emotional reactivity

Work through commitment issues and decide whether or not to get married, start a family, or get back together after a separation or divorce

Improve your intimacy and sex life

Deal with the emotional challenges involved with infertility and adoption

Rebuild trust and intimacy after an affair

Determine whether or not your relationship can be saved

Aside from the many issues a marriage counselor can help you resolve, a couples counselor can offer an objective assessment of the issues you’re facing. It’s easy to become so embroiled in the frustration and pain we’re dealing with that we can easily lose perspective and miss the underlying causes of the difficulties we’re experiencing. Couples counseling can help you step back and make conscious the often unconscious repetitive patterns that lead to relationship conflict.

A couples therapist will often take some time to work with each partner individually in order to discover each partner’s take on the issues they’re facing. This is especially true if the partners don’t feel comfortable discussing certain subjects with each other. While no subject should feel off-limits, if you’ve reached the point in your relationship where you no longer feel comfortable discussing certain things with your partner, you probably need couples counseling more than you know.

Perhaps most importantly, couples therapy provides a confidential, safe, and contained environment in which you and your partner can set aside time to communicate, and learn to do so effectively. Effective communication is fundamental to any successful relationship, but it is anything other than automatic. Effective communication takes time, effort, and skill.

It is not uncommon for the same two people who once spent hours on the phone when they first met, or long evenings sharing their lives at the beginning of their relationship, now to talk only about the kids, their relatives, or their work, or sadly, not even that.

So, first and foremost, couples therapy will allow you the opportunity to talk to each other, and more importantly, listen. This will help you explore your relationship, better understand the difficulties you face, take personal responsibility for your thoughts, feelings, and actions, understand each other’s needs and desires, and work together to create positive change.

When should you seek couples therapy?

Unfortunately, couples counseling is often the last resort for partners that have been experiencing relationship problems. While it’s almost never too late for a couple to experience some benefits from couples and marital therapy, the sooner a couple seeks professional help the more effective that help usually is and the better chance the relationship has of success.

Ultimately, if you and your partner are serious about creating the best relationship possible — whether you’re just starting out, considering getting married, or looking to reunite after being apart for some time — it’s never too early or too late for couples and marriage counseling and therapy to help you explore your relationship, uncover and overcome destructive behavior patterns, learn more effective communication skills, build trust and intimacy, and rediscover the joy in your relationship.

Bea Armstrong is a couples therapist in Los Gatos, where she specializes in providing abuse counseling.

What Is Couples Therapy and Can It Help Your Relationship?

Joseph LeFevre — Sun, 27 Mar 2011 18:27:06 +0000

All relationships have their challenges. In addition to the stresses we all face as individuals — such as dealing with work and career issues, keeping on top of our financial obligations, and navigating family responsibilities — people often enter relationships from different backgrounds, and with different expectations, which can lead to communication breakdowns and conflict.

Couples and marriage counseling and therapy can provide partners the skills and tools necessary to successfully navigate life’s ups and downs and create a relationship based on effective communication, intimacy, and joy.

How does couples counseling work?

According to the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapists (AAMFT), couples and marriage counseling and therapy are types of psychotherapy (also known as talk therapy) that address behavior patterns in a relationship. As opposed to more in-depth forms of psychological counseling, couples counseling and therapy is usually short-term and focused on defining specific therapeutic goals, timelines, and treatment outcomes.

In couples therapy, a licensed mental health professional — such as a psychologist, marriage and family therapist, or clinical social worker — works with both partners to help the couple identify the issues they’re facing, determine the underlying causes of these issues, and develop the skills and tools they need to communicate more effectively, resolve conflict, and change behavior patterns that are negatively impacting the relationship.

First and foremost, couples therapy is about making sure that both partners can communicate effectively. This means being able to talk and listen… especially the latter. All too often, we’re sure we know what our partner is going to say and we mentally fill in the blanks without really hearing them.

Couples counseling will also help you explore the issues that result in conflict in your relationship and learn how to navigate them effectively. Quite often, the conflicts in our current relationships stem from issues we’ve experienced in previous relationships. Couples therapy can help each partner identify repetitive behavior patterns, how and when they were acquired, and examine new patterns of behavior to create positive change.

Ultimately, as much as we may want to believe otherwise, we can’t change our partners. We can only change ourselves. Therefore, the most effective way to improve your relationship is to change yourself. Knowing this will allow you to enter couples counseling with a focus on reducing your emotional reactivity to your partner so you can learn how to respond differently to your partner without sacrificing your values.

Is couples therapy right for you?

According to the AAMFT, research has repeatedly supported the effectiveness of couples and marriage counseling and therapy. For example, in an article published by the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, clients of marriage and family therapists from 15 states reported their experiences with couples counseling. The findings indicate that marriage and family therapists can effectively treat a variety of couples issues in a relatively short period of time and that client results and satisfaction levels are quite high.

Discussing your feelings with your partner can be difficult, especially if these feelings are negative. Couples and marital counseling can provide a safe, controlled environment and the resources you need to express your feelings to your partner in a clear, non-confrontational manner, as well as really hear what your partner is saying. By increasing the effectiveness of your communication, you can improve your trust and intimacy and give your relationship a better chance of long-term happiness and success.

Our relationships, to a large extent, define who we are and how we experience life. Healthy, happy relationships lead to healthier, more successful individuals and families.

If you and your partner are serious about creating the best relationship possible, a couples therapist can help you uncover and overcome destructive patterns in your interactions with one another and provide you the communication skills and tools to restore trust, enhance intimacy, and rediscover the joy in your relationship and your life.

Mary Deger Seevers is a couples therapist in Burlingame, where she specializes in providing family counseling.

Seven Reasons to Consider Seeking Couples Counseling

Joseph LeFevre — Fri, 25 Mar 2011 20:47:43 +0000

There is little doubt that the relationships we have those we love are often the source of our greatest joys and our most painful heartaches.

Making the most of a romantic partnership — helping it grow, blossom, and flourish as time goes on — takes energy and effort. And even the happiest, most loving couples face time of uncertainty or adversity that threaten their relationship. Fortunately, professional help is available for couples who need it.

Regardless of whether you’re in a relatively new relationship that’s facing challenges which seem beyond your ability to resolve, your relationship seems filled with uncertainty, chaos, or strife, or your relationship has lost the spark it once had and your lives seem filled with nothing but the trivial and mundane, professional marriage counseling and couples therapy can help.

While couples and marriage counseling helps countless couples in innumerable ways each and every day, the following are seven reasons you and your partner may want to consider couples therapy:

1. Resolve Inaccurate Assumptions and Misconceptions — We all come from different backgrounds and have differing beliefs about how a relationship is supposed to work. When partners are unaware of their own underlying assumptions and/or don’t share them openly with each other, frustration is likely to follow. Relationship counseling can help both partners come to terms with their different relationship values so they can avoid making inaccurate assumptions and work together to meet each other’s needs.

2. Better Express Your Feelings — Learning how to express our feelings in a way that is respectful and assures they’re understood is a valuable skill in any relationship, and is especially important when communicating with our significant others. All too often, partners express themselves in ways that seem aggressive or hurtful, or they don’t express their feelings at all. Couples counseling can help you find ways of expressing yourself that make sure you’re heard and understood while remaining open to how your partner feels.

3. Develop Problem-Solving Skills — A large amount of relationship stress can be attributed to everyday problems that occur outside the immediate sphere of the relationship. Professional concerns, financial issues, and problems concerning our extended families are just a few examples of situations that can lead to unnecessary stress between partners. Couples therapy can help you can your partner learn problem-solving and coping skills so that you can face problems together as opposed to taking them out on each other.

4. Overcome Feelings of Detachment — Given all of the demands on our time, from career, to kids, to family responsibilities and concerns, it can be all too easy to sacrifice the time our relationships need and deserve in order to deal with seemingly more pressing matters. Unfortunately, if we don’t give our relationships enough time and attention, we tend to become detached from one another. A couples therapist can work with you and your partner to prioritize your time and find ways of rekindling the attention and energy your relationship enjoyed at its outset.

5. Value Each Other’s Uniqueness — While you likely valued your partner’s unique personality quirks and traits when you first met, over time these same traits may go unappreciated or even become a source of frustration. Marriage counseling and therapy can help you and your partner relearn to appreciate all the things about each other that make you the unique individuals you each fell in love with.

6. Improve Your Communication — Real estate may be all about location, location, location, but our relationships are all about communication, communication, communication! While many issues may lead to relationship discord and strife, a lack of communication is almost always one of the critical problems. A couples and marriage therapist can help you and your partner learn the communication skills and tools necessary to refrain from saying hurtful things, avoid turning small disagreements into huge arguments, and generally be able to understand one another and work together to solve life’s challenges together.

7. Learn to Listen — While this could arguably be included under “Improve Your Communication,” it is important enough to warrant addressing on its own. All too often, we tend to assume we know what our partner is thinking or going to say and we “fill in the blanks” and keep moving. However, this lack of attentive listening is not only disrespectful, it is the source of many of the communication issues couples face. To make your relationship work, you not only need to be able to adequately express your own feelings but actively listen to your partner’s. As a Greek philosopher once commented, “We have been given two ears and but a single mouth, in order that we may hear more and talk less.” While this may be applicable to life in general, it is certainly true in our relationships and couples counseling can help you do just that.

Again, these are just seven reasons why couples in any committed relationship may want to consider marriage counseling or couples therapy. There are innumerable others.

However, perhaps the most important reason to consider couples counseling is that our relationships to a very great extent define who we are and how we feel about life. Shouldn’t you do everything in your power to make sure your relationship is the best it can possibly be?

To learn more about couples counseling, visit Sherrie Campbell’s website on depression counseling in Yorba Linda.

A Short Outline For The Discipline Of Personal Prophecy And Its Purpose.

Bryan Jensen — Tue, 22 Mar 2011 20:02:30 +0000

One of the most controversial aspects of the current religious world involves that of personal prophecy. The ultimate aim of this activity is for individuals to comprehend and thus carry out the specific purpose that God has for them in this life. Edification and exhortation of the spirit are said to be just some of the successful outcomes of this activity.

In reality of course, humankind is liable to make errors of judgement; sometimes simply due to the limitations of language. God’s word is therefore said to be clearly heard through this practice and that will help to minimize any possibility of such errors. However, the practice remains widely criticized as being way over spiritual; in fact it is regarded by many as being blatantly ‘New Age’.

The Bible is said to be full of examples and stories that serve to highlight this phenomenon. When Adam was said to have eaten from the forbidden tree God was said to reveal to him that he would die. Later, in the New Testament in fact, Mary and Joseph were said to have received prophetic words in the Temple.

Basically this practice is similar in kind to that of speaking in tongues, in the sense that it largely benefits the individual rather than the whole Church. It can actually take on many forms. For some people the words seem to literally bubble up from within, while for others it produces a more visionary type effect.

It is very important to note that the idea of receiving prophetic words is intended for the use of individual guidance and comfort rather than for teaching. In fact when the entire service revolves around this activity there involves very little, if in fact any kind of teaching.

Besides encountering a prophet or one who is said to have the gift of prophecy there exist other ways of receiving the word. This can include receiving through dreams or even through visions. Likewise carrying out a regular prayer program and a thorough and disciplined study of the scriptures can all lead to obtaining the gift of receiving.

In summary, personal prophecy is regarded as being a special gift from the Lord that is intended for the use of people in both self-definition and fulfilment. The fact is, whether one agrees that it is a vital part of one’s growth or not, the practice has been around for just as long as we have.

[youtube:79wbI4dLA-Y?fs=1;[prophetic];http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=79wbI4dLA-Y?fs=1&feature=related]

A deeper connection with the religious component of your mind is achievable through personal prophecy and meditation. If you need a prophetic word for counseling or comfort, visit the web pages.

What Happens in Couple’s Counseling

Joseph LeFevre — Tue, 08 Mar 2011 17:59:04 +0000

What happens when a couple goes to see a therapist for couple’s counseling? That depends upon the therapist. Doing therapy is an art form, and it is shaped by the particular theoretical orientation of the therapist. Most therapists are taught to draw upon a range of techniques and ideas, but how it is delivered will be unique to each therapist and with each couple. In this brief article I will describe what generally is going through my mind when I work with a couple in therapy.

My connection with the couple starts with their first contact with me. I notice which person is the one to make the call, and how that person is thinking about the problem for which they are seeking my help. Does he minimize the seriousness of the difficulties? Does she seem to be overly upset by an issue most people could handle fairly easily? Is there blaming of the other person either implied or directly? Does there seem to be some capacity for looking at the person’s own behavior as part of the problem?

Next I listen for issues of safety. Generally speaking if I detect that domestic violence is involved, I prefer to postpone working with the couple until they have each had some individual therapy. Couple’s counseling is usually working to strengthen a relationship, and I do not want to strengthen something that is toxic. The batterer and the battered need to be seen separately in most cases in order to truly intervene in the cycle of violence, whether it is physical or emotional.

Some therapists will have the patients fill out forms to gather history. Some even leave the forms in the waiting room to be filled out there, or actually send them in the mail ahead of time. My style is much different. I want all the information to emerge when we are together in the room. What the people choose to talk about is very helpful to me in understanding their ways of relating. For me to intrude with a list of my own questions about them sends a message that they are there to take care of me and my need to know. Part of being an adult is tolerating the unknown, so I want to model for the couple that I can tolerate not knowing a great deal.

Conversation starts when someone begins to tell me something. For me to ask if they had trouble finding a parking place, or some similar social chatter, tends to send a message that I think they are incapable of figuring things out, or that I think we are there for a social gathering, or that I am needing to put them at ease because I can’t tolerate anxiety. A gentle amount of anxiety is very helpful in getting down to the challenging business of figuring out what is not working so well in a relationship.

As each person has a turn to tell me what is going on between them and for them, I look for signs of strength and weakness in the relationship. I insist that each person speak for him- or herself , and not try to tell me what the other person is thinking or feeling. I shift the whole concept of couple’s counseling to the idea that each of them is there to find out how they each can do things differently in order to help the relationship. This often stands in contrast to an assumed goal: “Fix my partner!”

I like to help the partners see how they habitually project figures from their families of origin onto the partner, so that they are not actually relating to the person standing before them, but unconsciously trying to address hurts from decades earlier. If one person complains, for example, “You spend all your time at work and I just get the leftovers,” I would not be surprised that we end up talking about how neglected the person was by a parent. Some degree of that person’s upset might indeed be about how work-preoccupied their partner is, but a great deal of it might be about a childhood issue that needs to be grieved and accepted. Once a partner understands how a particular behavior has the effect of ripping open a tender emotional place in the partner, they may be less inclined to use that behavior.

Therapy is about accepting reality and being a grownup. When it becomes clear that one or both partners have issues from childhood that have derailed their ability to be mature and have appropriate concern and regard for others, then I will refer the patient for individual work. We are all doing the very best we can with what we have at the moment, and sometimes what we have is frankly inadequate. Individual therapy can often change that situation remarkably, and bring about an enlarged capacity for rich emotional experience and expression.

Couple’s counseling is not a magic bullet. Some relationships are simply beyond help. Some couples wait far too long to seek professional help, being caught up in the myth that we should be able to solve our emotional problems on our own, in the great cowboy tradition of self-sufficiency. But most of the time, people who come to see me for couple’s counseling are very grateful and wish they had come sooner.

To learn more about psychoanalytic therapy, visit Carol Campbell’s website on couples therapy in Menlo Park.

Divorce Mediation Toronto When You Need Professionals You Can Trust

Adriana Noton — Sun, 06 Mar 2011 18:04:45 +0000

Divorce Mediation Toronto are some of the most efficient professionals for those want the best service for their circumstances. Going through this process does not have to be painstaking when you have knowledgeable individuals to help you clarify the journey. Having the right legal device is vital to a successful outcome that is within the best interest of your entire family.

The idea of divorce is painful all on its own and this is why your emotional well being becomes even more vital. There is a lot to process and it is completely unfair to deny that you are going to need assistance to get your life moving forward again. At the end of the day what lies beneath it all is everyone truly wants what is best to resolve the matter. Developing a strategic course of action is the starting point and will require you to be level headed.

There are a number of unknown variables and each discovery is a step in the right direction. There might be a need for custody and child support agreements; and these experts know all to well how important it is to protect the interest of the child. Their straight forward approach provides the peace of mind needed to get the appropriate filings underway.

Utilizing a timeline approach when it comes down to real property and other assets makes it more manageable. This creates a forum where everyone is able to address their greatest desires with a clear and level head. Not taking on the entire process all at once creates the structure required to ensure that each step is properly managed.

Mediators are a great resource for those who are open to having a civilized process around their final agreement. This is a process that can be very advantageous for those who want a seamless approach to dissolving their marital agreement. It is by far one of the most favored ways of getting through the process and allows each party to proceed with confidence.

Having a place where you can process your emotions will help you to create a balanced mood throughout the journey. While family members and friends will want to do their best to support you they are emotionally invested in the situation; which might create on unforeseen restrictions. One of the best ways to preserve yourself and your relationship with them is to identify a professional who can help you work through it.

Family members and close friends will undoubtedly want to be there to support you; but one must remember that they are to some degree limited. They are emotionally invested in the process and there might come a time when you will want an unbiased and professional to assist. Creating this venue of healing for yourself will also protect your personal relationships with those who might feel awkward because they are married to the idea of your marriage.

Divorce Mediation Toronto are proficient when it comes down to helping individuals get their lives back on the right path. Their ability to strategically outline a course of action that will work out with in the best interest of everyone involved in your situation is monumental. Becoming clear about how their services might be applied to your situation can be clarified by speaking with one of their representatives.

With our revolutionary programs in marriage counselling Toronto and divorce mediation Toronto, we provide a solution for those struggling in their relationship. Click here for couples therapy Toronto.

How Premarital Counseling Can Help Ensure the Success of Your Marriage

Joseph LeFevre — Fri, 04 Mar 2011 19:11:59 +0000

You’re probably familiar with the statistics… Approximately half of all marriages end in divorce.

Unfortunately, most people spend more time planning their wedding ceremony or honeymoon than they spend on the practicalities of making their relationship work and grow.

But open communication and planning is an integral part of not only making a relationship last, but for keeping the love and excitement alive throughout the years.

Fortunately, premarital counseling can help any couple openly communicate and effectively plan their future together. And research has shown that premarital counseling can help decrease the chance a marriage will end in divorce by as much as 30 percent.

What is premarital counseling and how can it help?

Given the broad usage of the word “counseling,” the term can be misleading. However, it’s important to note that premarital counseling is not therapy.

Premarital counseling is designed to help couples learn the skills necessary to improve their communication and effectively plan a healthy, happy, and long-lasting marriage.

Premarital counseling will help both partners identify and share their desires, concerns, fears, values, and beliefs, as well as discuss any issues that may lead to relationship conflict in the future.

Some of the many questions premarital counseling can help both partners address include:

Why do you want to get married? What’s motivating you?

Are you moving toward marriage or away from being single?

What are your expectations? What is the unstated contract you intend your partner to uphold?

How well do you know yourself and how well do you know your partner?

What is the cost to you to be in this relationship?

Premarital counseling will also help you:

Develop effective communication and conflict resolution skills

Openly discuss intimacy and sexual issues or concerns

Establish long-term goals for your life together

Ultimately, premarital counseling is about evaluating the strengths and weaknesses of a relationship prior to marriage in order for you and your partner to anticipate, and prepare for, conflicts and challenges that may arise down the road.

When should you seek premarital counseling?

As the name implies, premarital counseling is best undertaken sometime in the year prior to getting married. That having been said, premarital counseling can be beneficial couples even if they don’t begin the counseling until after they’ve been married a few months.

However, as more time passes and a relationship experiences more stress, unhealthy behavior patterns can become established that are increasingly difficult to break as time goes on. Therefore, premarital counseling is most helpful for couples who don’t wait more than a few months after getting married before beginning counseling.

Is premarital counseling right for you?

Without relationships, our lives remain stagnant. But when we engage with others and enter relationships with openness and curiosity, we bring ourselves to another person and allow them to bring themselves to us, enriching both lives in the process.

Open communication and asking difficult questions — acknowledging where and what types of problems might arise before they do — can be the key to a lifetime of love and happiness. Premarital counseling can not only help you and your partner ask the right questions, but answer them together openly and honestly.

Like other types of prevention, the best way to stop problems and issues from arising is to be pro-active. If you want to create the best relationship possible and keep it strong for years to come, premarital counseling can be vital to your success.

To learn more about couples therapy, visit Tom Eggert’s website on counseling in Seattle.