Anger is a lit match that can be blown on and cooled or thrown onto a pile of paper on which kerosene is poured. It’s an opportunity for friends and lovers to resolve conflicts to the benefit of both parties and bring these parties closer to each other or it can be an invitation to start a war and turn partners into enemies. The following recommendations approach anger as an opportunity to build bridges and meaningful connections.
1) Ask for what you want respectfully. Frame the requests so that they are requests that will create mutual feelings of satisfaction and appreciation.
2) Stay in the present and address one issue at a time. Today is the first day of the rest of your lives. Avoid phrases that shape no win situations such as: “You always, you never, etc…” The blame and shame game is played in a world of black and white. Stay in a world of shades of gray.
3) When expressing your feelings express them assertively and let your partner understand the cause-effect relationship between what you are hearing and/or seeing, how it affects you and the responses that are shaped. i.e., “When you look away when I’m talking to you I feel frustrated and annoyed because I want to feel important to you and not that I’m burdensome and uninteresting. When you behave this way I feel like leaving you behind and spending the afternoon with our dog.”
4) Pay attention actively and clarify what you are hearing. When we try to read minds we are acting in a disrespectful manner and oftentimes reading our own minds and confusing them with our partners’.
5) Resolving issues is easier when you do your best to keep your tone of voice, words and body language consistent. If you are receiving mixed messages, let your partner know in as compassionate and thoughtful a way as possible.
6) Give your significant other the benefit of the doubt and don’t use malicious motives to rationalize your behavior.
7) Two wrongs never make a right and usually just make matters worse. Two wrongs is a blueprint for a vicious cycle of victimization and retaliation in the absence of reparations being offered by the alleged aggressor.
If your anger is holding your thoughts hostage and you are on an aggressive mission both of you will regret then, please consider calling time out, calm your self down, reflect on what just happened and then, get back together when you are back in control of yourself and willing and able to work matters out.
9) Make an effort to throw out concepts of right and wrong, good and bad, smart and stupid, etc. There are your tastes and opinions and your partner’s tastes and opinions. The faster you differentiate yourself from what your spouse does or doesn’t do, and will do or won’t do, the easier it will be for you to look after your self-esteem rather than blame your partner for things that are beyond your control. When you can retain your self-regard you will be better equipped to maintain respect for your partner in the event you feel discouraged, disappointed, annoyed, etc.
10) Remember, love is a verb and to act in a loving manner it’s important that you not lose sight of the possibility that the same partner you loved yesterday is the partner you hate today. We are all complex individuals with numerous facets to our personalities. Hold on to yourself as a complete individual and you are likely to hold on to your spouse as a complete individual as well.
11) Romantic relationships succeed when life becomes a win/win proposition. Negotiate with balanced regard for both of your interests. When you say you don’t care about your partner’s self-interest, you are also saying you don’t care about your own self-interest. If it’s not possible to make a significant decision to your mutual satisfaction, take the decision off the table and try again another time.
12) Display your appreciation for each other with compliments. If your criticisms outnumber your compliments, existence with your spouse will likely be problematic. It’s universal to wish to be known, accepted and loved as long as that love and acceptance is not at the expense of your spouse’s integrity and core values. Unconditional love is reserved for small children. Adults want respect, consideration and love from their spouses and will not be pleased when they have to be flawless and/or jump through hoops day after day to achieve it. You’re not flawless so don’t assume perfection from your significant other.
13) If you wish to have a healthy relationship speak directly to each other and not through a third party.
14) Take turns speaking and listening.
15) No one wants to dig bunkers in their home to feel secure or safe. Keep away from all types of emotional and physical abuse as if they are loaded guns. They are relationship killers.
Learn more about counseling for couples in Ridgewood, New Jersey by visiting Mitchell Milch’s website: Counseling and Psychotherapy for Ridgewood, New Jersey.