Have you been considering marriage counseling or couples therapy because you’re in a marriage or relationship that either feels dead or, at the other end of the spectrum, is just about anger?

Few things are more emotionally painful than sharing your life with someone and not being able to connect with that person in a positive way. If it seems like when you try to talk to him or her it doesn’t go the way you had hoped, after awhile, you might stop trying.

But that doesn’t mean that the desire to connect with that person has stopped. That desire is the good news. That desire indicates there’s hope — hope and the possibility that there’s a chance that the embers of what this relationship once was can be awakened, and brought roaring back to life.

Lest that sound like a romance novel, let me add that bringing that relationship to life again takes work. Movies and romance novels tend to gloss over that part.

Can couples and marriage therapy help you?

Research has shown time after time that licensed mental health professionals, such as marriage and family therapists, psychologists, and clinical social workers, are capable of helping couples effectively address a wide variety of issues in a relatively short period of time and that client results and satisfaction levels are quite high.

What you should look to achieve in couples counseling depends to a large degree on your reasons for seeking therapy in the first place, as well as how motivated you are to create change and see your relationship succeed.

Some couples seek out therapy in order to put an end to seemingly endless arguments. Others may be looking to rebuild trust and intimacy in the face of infidelity. Among the many issues couples counseling can help resolve effectively, couples therapy can help you and your partner:

Develop ways to talk about sensitive subjects such as jealousy, money, and sex, so you both feel heard and understood

Understand and resolve repetitive behavior patterns that are causing conflict

Better understand each other’s needs and desires

Manage, stress, anger, and emotional reactivity

Work through commitment issues and decide whether or not to get married, start a family, or get back together after a separation or divorce

Improve your intimacy and sex life

Deal with the emotional challenges involved with infertility and adoption

Rebuild trust and intimacy after an affair

Determine whether or not your relationship can be saved

Aside from the many issues a marriage counselor can help you resolve, a couples counselor can offer an objective assessment of the issues you’re facing. It’s easy to become so embroiled in the frustration and pain we’re dealing with that we can easily lose perspective and miss the underlying causes of the difficulties we’re experiencing. Couples counseling can help you step back and make conscious the often unconscious repetitive patterns that lead to relationship conflict.

A couples therapist will often take some time to work with each partner individually in order to discover each partner’s take on the issues they’re facing. This is especially true if the partners don’t feel comfortable discussing certain subjects with each other. While no subject should feel off-limits, if you’ve reached the point in your relationship where you no longer feel comfortable discussing certain things with your partner, you probably need couples counseling more than you know.

Perhaps most importantly, couples therapy provides a confidential, safe, and contained environment in which you and your partner can set aside time to communicate, and learn to do so effectively. Effective communication is fundamental to any successful relationship, but it is anything other than automatic. Effective communication takes time, effort, and skill.

It is not uncommon for the same two people who once spent hours on the phone when they first met, or long evenings sharing their lives at the beginning of their relationship, now to talk only about the kids, their relatives, or their work, or sadly, not even that.

So, first and foremost, couples therapy will allow you the opportunity to talk to each other, and more importantly, listen. This will help you explore your relationship, better understand the difficulties you face, take personal responsibility for your thoughts, feelings, and actions, understand each other’s needs and desires, and work together to create positive change.

When should you seek couples therapy?

Unfortunately, couples counseling is often the last resort for partners that have been experiencing relationship problems. While it’s almost never too late for a couple to experience some benefits from couples and marital therapy, the sooner a couple seeks professional help the more effective that help usually is and the better chance the relationship has of success.

Ultimately, if you and your partner are serious about creating the best relationship possible — whether you’re just starting out, considering getting married, or looking to reunite after being apart for some time — it’s never too early or too late for couples and marriage counseling and therapy to help you explore your relationship, uncover and overcome destructive behavior patterns, learn more effective communication skills, build trust and intimacy, and rediscover the joy in your relationship.

Bea Armstrong is a couples therapist in Los Gatos, where she specializes in providing abuse counseling.

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