All relationships have their challenges. In addition to the stresses we all face as individuals — such as dealing with work and career issues, keeping on top of our financial obligations, and navigating family responsibilities — people often enter relationships from different backgrounds, and with different expectations, which can lead to communication breakdowns and conflict.

Couples and marriage counseling and therapy can provide partners the skills and tools necessary to successfully navigate life’s ups and downs and create a relationship based on effective communication, intimacy, and joy.

How does couples counseling work?

According to the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapists (AAMFT), couples and marriage counseling and therapy are types of psychotherapy (also known as talk therapy) that address behavior patterns in a relationship. As opposed to more in-depth forms of psychological counseling, couples counseling and therapy is usually short-term and focused on defining specific therapeutic goals, timelines, and treatment outcomes.

In couples therapy, a licensed mental health professional — such as a psychologist, marriage and family therapist, or clinical social worker — works with both partners to help the couple identify the issues they’re facing, determine the underlying causes of these issues, and develop the skills and tools they need to communicate more effectively, resolve conflict, and change behavior patterns that are negatively impacting the relationship.

First and foremost, couples therapy is about making sure that both partners can communicate effectively. This means being able to talk and listen… especially the latter. All too often, we’re sure we know what our partner is going to say and we mentally fill in the blanks without really hearing them.

Couples counseling will also help you explore the issues that result in conflict in your relationship and learn how to navigate them effectively. Quite often, the conflicts in our current relationships stem from issues we’ve experienced in previous relationships. Couples therapy can help each partner identify repetitive behavior patterns, how and when they were acquired, and examine new patterns of behavior to create positive change.

Ultimately, as much as we may want to believe otherwise, we can’t change our partners. We can only change ourselves. Therefore, the most effective way to improve your relationship is to change yourself. Knowing this will allow you to enter couples counseling with a focus on reducing your emotional reactivity to your partner so you can learn how to respond differently to your partner without sacrificing your values.

Is couples therapy right for you?

According to the AAMFT, research has repeatedly supported the effectiveness of couples and marriage counseling and therapy. For example, in an article published by the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, clients of marriage and family therapists from 15 states reported their experiences with couples counseling. The findings indicate that marriage and family therapists can effectively treat a variety of couples issues in a relatively short period of time and that client results and satisfaction levels are quite high.

Discussing your feelings with your partner can be difficult, especially if these feelings are negative. Couples and marital counseling can provide a safe, controlled environment and the resources you need to express your feelings to your partner in a clear, non-confrontational manner, as well as really hear what your partner is saying. By increasing the effectiveness of your communication, you can improve your trust and intimacy and give your relationship a better chance of long-term happiness and success.

Our relationships, to a large extent, define who we are and how we experience life. Healthy, happy relationships lead to healthier, more successful individuals and families.

If you and your partner are serious about creating the best relationship possible, a couples therapist can help you uncover and overcome destructive patterns in your interactions with one another and provide you the communication skills and tools to restore trust, enhance intimacy, and rediscover the joy in your relationship and your life.

Mary Deger Seevers is a couples therapist in Burlingame, where she specializes in providing family counseling.

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