I have found, as a marriage counselor, that one of the toughest questions facing couples when they consider the idea of a lifelong commitment to their partner is, “Will I always be loved the way I am now?” and “Will I always love this person with whom I am presently in love?”

I fully understand why people hesitate to commit. Can you think of anything worse than committing yourself to a partner for life only to find that after a while, you no longer love them or vice versa? If, without a doubt, we could be sure that the answer to both questions was “Yes”, committing to another would be easier. The problem is that we all have experienced the changing nature of love. [youtube:qDsdWijxM5g;[http://7steps.savemymarriagecounseling.com:A Unique Perspective on marriage from a well respected marriage counselor];http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qDsdWijxM5g&feature=related]

There are times that we feel tremendous love for a person and at other times, we can feel the opposite. Still other times, we may feel almost nothing for them, a kind of indifference. Frighteningly, these changes can happen quickly, too. Whenever love is synonymous with a feeling, then the idea that we would always feel a certain way towards someone seems unrealistic. Nobody feels exactly the same way all the time about anybody, do they? A person feels what they feel when they feel it. Therefore, what can anyone promise their partner if not that they will love them forever?

It’s helpful if you think of love as a way of being and something you do, not just something you feel. If you can’t promise your partner that you will always feel love for them, you can promise your partner that you will always be loving. Control over your behavior is one of the things that you do have.

A wonderful thing happens when you decide to be loving and start to do loving things for your partner. You end up feeling love for them and you most likely will like them more, too. No one knows why this happens. Possibly, it may have something to do with a theory, called cognitive dissonance, which states that human beings have a hard time holding two or more contradictory thoughts or beliefs in their head at the same time. For example, if you think, “I don’t feel very loving towards my partner” combined with “I just did something particularly loving for them,” you will experience cognitive dissonance. The way the mind resolves the dissonance is by either changing the behavior or the contradictory belief. Usually, what happens is that you will change your thinking about your partner. Having just done something kind for them, you will change your belief to, “In reality, I do love them.”

Early in the morning, before I leave the bedroom, even if I’m in a hurry, I walk over to my sleeping wife and kiss her gently on the lips. She smiles. I whisper, “I love you” and then I leave for work. As a marriage counselor, I practice what I preach. I know she likes this, but I also know that doing it (being loving) puts me in touch with how much I love her. As I say this to her, I can feel that these words are true for me. It is not just a perfunctory gesture. That loving behavior, that way of being is something I can always achieve if I want to and it does a lot to alleviate any concerns I might have had about losing that loving feeling.

Everybody who is in a committed relationship has wondered at some point whether their partner will always love them. Dr. Jim Goldstein, who is a qualified marriage counselor, provides some useful information regarding making your relationship prosper. This information should be helpful for all relationships.

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